This weekend has been one of the best ones that I have had in awhile. See, I have two sons so one on one time with either one of them is pretty hard. This weekend my older son took off with his dad on a Trail Life trip so it was just me and my baby. This kid is so amazing. He recently turned 5 but his personality is out in full force. He is amazing in so many ways!
Because I wanted him to feel like this was a weekend just as special for him as it is for his brother I have let him make all of the decisions about what we have done. Needless to say that I have eaten way to much Chik-fil-a in the last two days. But it was all worth it when he turned and said: “Mommy, this is so fun! I love when it’s just you and me.”
Because life is the way that it is I have not always been able to spend as much quality time as I have wanted and desired to. Maybe because he is my second and there has always been his brother. Maybe because of my homeschooling his brother while he still isn’t required to be in school. Or because some days I feel so stretched out that I just can’t do it! There are so many reasons, I could probably write a whole book.
But what I’m trying to get at is, my number one worry for the last 4 years has been, does he love me? Does he know how much I love him. It is a constant fear and worry that I never had with his brother. I am 1,000% confident in my relationship with his brother, that this fear never crosses my mind. But not with this little guy. My husband says I need to have more trust, but I just can’t let go of that feeling.
I am constantly reassured by this little guy, of his love for me but my mom insecurities always win. I know I can’t be the only mom that feels this way, but it’s something that is really hard to talk about. I want you other moms out there to know that there are lots of us that constantly doubt if we are doing the right things, if we are being to hard, if we are getting through to our kids, and mostly, how do they really feel about us. I hope that in my writings I can help you find some peace in knowing that I am not the only one that feels this way.
As I have sat and thought about this I’m hoping to work on better communication with both of my boys. So that we all know what each other is thinking. I hope that this will be a valuable skill that will help them as they grow into adulthood and that they too will be able to have open and confident conversations and interactions with their own kids.
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